Say Uncle! The phrase may spark fear into your heart or it might make your dick tingle. It might even do a little of both, depending on whether you’re a top or a bottom. I guess that’s kind of the whole point of SayUncle.com’s name, though even illiterate fags will probably get all hard and drippy looking at the preview page.
SayUncle calls themselves “A boutique gay porn network guaranteed to serve up the highest quality filth out there.” That’s a really fucking bold statement, which is pretty much the only kind of statement you’re allowed to make if you run a paysite. Nobody is going to claim ownership of the shittiest queer site in the world, but I get the feeling that ain’t SayUncle. These perverts get around 3,000 visits a day, which is even more than the redneck bullqueer giving free head at the local highway rest area.
A Gay Cornucopia of Perversion
The landing page to place is a cornucopia of perversion. I see a lot of buff older dudes having their way with little twinks, though a few look to be more age-similar hookups. It’s pretty obvious who’s the dominant one in a lot of these pictures, as avuncular motherfuckers (nephewfuckers?) with abs feel up and stick these younger dudes. There are young guys getting drilled up the ass and others with mouths full of man-meat.
The preview vid shows even more of that dude-on-dude action. I see college guys being used and abused like meat, and other more sensual encounters like the one where a blindfolded dude gets a totally wholesome massage. I thought for a moment the montage was ending with a close-up of a Cinnabon, but nah, that’s a shaved butthole leaking semen, dragging stringers of the sticky stuff from the recently removed cock.
A few awards are proudly displayed further down the preview page. They won the 2019 Gayvn Fan Award for Favorite Niche Site for FamilyDick. The imprint also earned them the Most Popular Gay Channel Award from PornHub the year before. Before that, it was the 2017 Best Niche Site CyberSocket Award for their Missionary Boyz site.
The landing page to SayUncle implies you get access to a number of sites/series. FamilyDick.com is a gay taboo site, as you probably guessed from the name. If you like getting spanked by your “step” daddy or grandfather, this is going to be your shit. They’ve also got one called Brother Crush if you’d rather hook up with a younger member your own family. MissionaryBoys is even kinkier, with elders converting boys in elaborate sexual rituals. It’s a good time to be a young missionary, or a terrible one, depending on your perspective.
There’s also YoungPerps, a reality porn series where shoplifters get justice in the security office. LatinLache and BlackGodz cater to the Latino and BBC fans, respectively, and then there’s YesFather for those with the most serious of daddy issues. Is that you?
The thing is, I typed those two paragraphs before getting signed up and logged in. It turns out you have to pay extra for most of that content they were talking about out front. Once you get to the member’s area, you see a lot of red padlock icons on the locked content. You can subscribe to additional sites one at a time, or click the Unlock Everything button for a break on the whole collection. Either way, it’s a pretty fucking shady bait-and-switch.
Premium Gay Porn at Premium Prices
Alright, perverts, you’d better grab your dick and your wallet, because SayUncle ain’t cheap. This is PREMIUM premium porn, almost doubly expensive compared to your typical gay paysite. Most of the other guys are asking thirty bones a month, but these guys want fifty for the standard monthly membership. Holy shit! The yearly subscription breaks down to about $24 a month, which makes it a better bargain if you know you’ll be cranking it all year.
(Seriously, though, have you ever taken a year off from fapping? Or a month? A week? A day? I’m just saying—if you pay for this, you’re definitely going to be using it! And don’t get me started about the Reddit nerds who think they can see into the future and walk through walls because they don’t masturbate.)
There’s a silver lining, of course. They couldn’t charge that much otherwise, right? For one thing, downloads are included here, which is a dying perk among porn paysites. Secondly, they update every day, usually twice a day, even on weekends. I get fucking annoyed when sites update fewer than once per a week, and I’m generally pretty happy if I can get two exclusive updates. This is a goddamn non-stop torrent of HD faggotry delivered straight to your desktop, mobile or tablet.
Now for the bad news. The sign-up page claims they update 14 times a week. That’s technically true, but you don’t get access to every update unless you upgrade to the full package. The updates are spread out across the different sites, meaning you can’t access to the ones you ain’t subscribed to. Today, SayUncle added scenes from YesFather and EuroHunk. I can watch the European dudes getting their fuck on, but I’m locked out of the pervert priest’s dormitory.
You’ll still get at least one update a day, which is still respectable as hell for a premium site. That said, I’m still really fucking annoyed by that misleading preview page. They call themselves a network at the very top of the page, and then go on to list a handful of sites you’d assume you’re signing up for as part of this supposed “network”. If I go to My Content under the Movies tab, I can see I only have access to 109 of the 1087 movies on the site. That’s fucking weak!
Watching Ripped Dudes Eat Cum
Hopefully the porn is good, right? Following the user reviews, I skipped over the newest one since it’s only got a 50% right now. Yesterday’s has a solid 100% from homos around the web, so I figured I’d take a look and see what you fags are shaking your dicks at.
I swear, the White dude with a Black dick in his mouth looks exactly like a young Pauly Shore in the thumbnail. Things have been different for the guy since peaking with Encino Man back in 1992, but nah, turns out it’s professional cocksucker Nate Grimes doing what he does to the aptly named Deep Dicc.
Bandwidth is fucking solid, which you’d expect with a price this high. They can afford the best fucking servers in the world on your dime. I bumped the resolution to full 1080p before the video had faded out of the intro screen, and the video played smoothly after only about a second of buffering.
The video opens with Deep pulling his monster out of Nate’s mouth, prompting the cum-guzzler to remark, “Oh, fuck.” Deep sticks it back in Nate’s face, and the dude does his best to swallow the motherfucker. His eyes go wide, he gags, and Deep grabs his head to thrust deeper.
The full scene runs under 15 minutes, so the duo have to get right to business. By business, I mean anal sex. At exactly the 3-minute mark, Nate’s on his back with his legs in the air and Deep is sticking his cock real deep in there. Nate strokes his own cock as he gets railed from behind.
The setup, if you can call it that, is simple as fuck. It’s just two dudes fucking. The camerawork is likewise very simple. There’s not a lot of subtlety, just a dude aiming a camera at some hard cocksucking and butt-fucking. It’s basic, but it’s real, at times giving off the kind of raw, real vibe you expect from an amateur film without the 12-second runtimes.
And that, my friends, is why SayUncle can get away with charging more than the other guys. They make these raw hardcore movies look fucking effortless, though fans of the genre know not every anal movie is created equal. I’m still fuming about that misleading preview page, but I fucking get it.
SayUncle has a lot going for it, but the easiest way to sum it up is that they’ve got great gay porn and lots of it. They’ve won awards for their guy-on-guy fuck movies, which they release at an absolutely ludicrous rate of at least one per day. The subscription is pricey, sure, but you’re guaranteed at least one fap session a day to a fresh piece of porno. It’s cheaper than Starbucks every day and nobody is going to call the police the moment you whip your dick out at the counter.